The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
