today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
