IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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