I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You may now shotgun with the bride
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
