Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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