So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
