remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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