hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am one with the molecules
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
