Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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