Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
