Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize