We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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