hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
