She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
