I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
