i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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