just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize