my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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