That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
