ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
