I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize