I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
