I faked an abortion last night.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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