it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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