is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
this hospital has no fireball
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
