I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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