i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I want to fling myself into the sun
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
