Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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