tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize