god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
