Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
