I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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