You made me cry and you don't even care
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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