I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
