It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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