Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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