...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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