We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
