Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
