i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
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