I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The air was thick with penises
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
