Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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