mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
