I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I want her autograph on my taint
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
