There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
