Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
