remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
