you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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