i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
