when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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