Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
