He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
