pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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