I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
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