I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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