I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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