nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
