I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
