i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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