Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
