So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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